Everyday Psychopaths Read online

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  Before I go into what happened after the vomit incident that launched it all, I think it makes sense to tell you how I became a celebrity assistant to an A-list actress (if you hate back-story, you can skip this section). As you might know or guess, there’s no Hollywood unemployment office or any other shortcut to the wealthy and famous, because like everything in show business, it’s about contacts and catching a break. Luckily for me, I knew Rob, a slick bastard with a fast mouth and the ability to sell sand in the Sahara. Rob didn’t sell sand, but houses, and he helped the celebrity couple, let’s call them the Johnsons, to find and negotiate their Hollywood Hills mansion. He got quite a commission for it too as you can imagine and that’s why he drove a brand new Lamborghini.

  I got to know Rob through my previous employment, being an assistant to the chief executive officer at a large pharmaceutical company. The CEO, a white-haired, dull and always tidy older man with an S&M magazine collection (his compensation for being more boring than spreadsheets, I suppose) in his bottom drawer, was looking for property and asked me to find the right agent and a proper selection for his perusal. I started the search engine and quickly stumbled upon an image of bleached-teeth Rob, who according to the testimonials on his websites was one of the best in the business when it came to finding lavish homes for the ridiculously rich. We met for lunch and it didn’t take us long to get along, as we both shared a healthy disdain for the client (aka my boss) and when Rob said he might have an opportunity for me to get away from my job, I had to hear him out.

  What he told me was that his car-loving golfing buddy, who also happened to be a Hollywood movie star, was looking for an assistant, primarily for his even more famous wife. Rob described them as the nicest couple and if I didn’t mind taking my assistant life up a notch, both when it came to demands and living standards, he’d recommend me. I think I said yes before he even finished the sentence.

  I met the Johnsons for coffee in a high-end LA restaurant. At first I was very nervous about meeting this superstar couple, but their rather modest and easy-going behavior relaxed me and we immediately took a liking to each other. I was instantly taken with B and vividly remember her wearing this green and revealing summer dress where I expected one of her breasts to jump out and every second the celebrity couple weren't looking directly at me, I watched that left boob with intent.

  In the end it never came out, but a contract did - I was hired. Apparently Rob had sold them on, and here I quote, my upbeat, yet composed personality and top-notch organizational skills. He didn’t have to sell me on the job though: good pay, all the perks I could dream of and working daily with one of the most beautiful women in the world. You could say I’d won the job lottery.

  I remember my first day, I felt like a kid at summer camp, sleeping away from home for the first time in his life. I drove up to the house in my slightly battered Toyota Prius and had to call a number to be let in through the massive iron gates. My heart was thumping and I was sweating profusely under my shirt and still had problems to grasp what was happening, but as soon as A came to greet me outside with a huge smile on his face, I felt a little bit better. He was intimidatingly handsome, but looked kind, in fact far nicer than he did in the movies I had seen him in, all of them featuring more explosions and gunfire than dialogue. He gave me a tour of the house, which was every bit as impressive as I thought it would be and introduced me to the team members working there, the team I was supposed to coordinate. Then it was time to meet B and start working on the day’s schedule.

  B was riding an exercise bike in black hot pants and a training bra when I entered the mansion gym. She turned around and said “Hi Darryl!” with a big smile on her face. She was preparing for a role with several beach scenes and her training regime was fierce. I was a bit surprised not to see a personal trainer around, but it turned out he was sick that day. You never see a celebrity in a gym without a personal trainer, trust me.

  It’s difficult not to be taken by B’s beauty. Simple, yet perfect somehow, it made me slightly weak in the knees. I hadn’t had a relationship for some time and my confidence around women wasn’t as good as it perhaps should’ve been (I’m not unattractive and quite funny) and most females sensed this well before I got the chance to even say hello, but it didn’t take me long to feel comfortable around B, probably because I wasn’t trying to date her. We just had great chemistry from the start. This was already evident on the first day when she was in a good mood thanks to a successful appearance on a popular talk show the night before. She seemed confident and in control and I remember being impressed by her from the get-go.

  She was far from the dark place she would land in later.