Everyday Psychopaths Read online

  ***

  THE WAKE-UP CALL

  (Sample)

  Read more about The Wake-Up Call at https://jonaswrites.com

  Can you believe it? Because I sure can't. I'm on a blind date with Gwen Parks. It's really more like a “mute date” than a blind date, at least for me, because it would be hard to find a more boring person than Gwen – even if I looked at the Senior Citizen’s Stamp Collection Association. She's close to giving me a brain hemorrhage and we've been sitting at an over-pretentious French restaurant in midtown Manhattan for 32 minutes.

  Yes, I've counted them.

  It’s not like she isn’t talking, no, quite the opposite. The problem is, she’s not saying anything. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s nervous or just ignorant, but she just goes on and on, without a single thought towards whether I’m interested in what she's saying or not. She's also on a namedropping mission, talking about people I don't know, have never heard about, have no interest in ever knowing, and she's talking about them like they were mutual friends of ours. All I'm doing is saying “yes”, “aha”, and “oh” in approximately the right places while trying hard not to fall asleep.

  I'm also trying to get drunk, having a more interesting date with this 200-dollar bottle of Gevrey-Chambertin we’re drinking. “We” have nearly finished the bottle and I can't remember Gwen making a refill. But how could she, as she's talking all the time? When the food gets here I hope she stops her blabbering for a bit, at least while chewing. I'm starving both for food and more interesting company.

  She's looking good though, a classy broad, this Gwen. She’s eloquent, posh and dresses elegantly. Her short crème dress is flattering her slightly stocky, but nice legs and she has a gingerbread man tan, probably from a spray tanning salon. The only turnoff - except for her constant talking - is her mouth, which is covered in red lipstick. This makes her and most other women look like clowns. I know people have strange turn-ons these days, but making out with Bozo was never one of mine.

  I blame my best friend Mike Kowalski for setting me up on this so called date with his bodacious blonde colleague. He says it's about time I find myself a good, reliable and intelligent woman, which makes him sound like my mother, or at least what my mother would‘ve sounded like if she were like most mothers (and alive). Apparently he thinks Gwen possesses these qualities, although he ought to know that finding a permanent partner is a lot more complex than presenting two lists of suitable personality specs and matching them. I know this from experience, having had many relations, but few relationships - something which irks Mike, but then again, I guess he’s just jealous about my good looks.

  Mike’s absolutely right though that my record with women is based more on quantity than quality, at least when you look at the intelligence and maturity level of some of the girls I've “dated”, but I guess I'm not alone in falling for the wrong kind. Good thing I realize my mistakes and end them before they get too complicated, right? I wish Mike himself would’ve had the balls to do that, because then he wouldn’t have stayed with plain-looking and open-legged Joanne (who I usually refer to as Ho-Anne).

  There are many reasons I don't like Joanne, but to keep it short, it would suffice to say she’s a bitch. This was clear to me from the first time I met her. I remember it like yesterday. Mike and I were at lunch when he announced he would be bringing someone to my party. I was shocked at first, because I hadn’t heard anything about this date and he’d been single so long I wondered if he’d ever get back on the horse again. Average-looking people like Mike are usually not very happy on their own, because they don't get the confidence boost from frequently hooking up with new women, something I've done excessively thanks to my nice apartment, my platinum VISA card and inheriting my father's good features.

  Anyway, when Mike announced he'd met someone, I couldn’t help but think desperation must have struck him badly. But I of course hoped he’d bring a nice, friendly and down-to-earth girl.

  Enter Joanne, who looked uncomfortable from the second she put her foot in my penthouse. She clung to Mike the whole evening like he was her lifeboat in a sea of unknown evil, but she didn't stick to him in a cute, we-are-freshly-in-love kind of way, but more like she wanted to make sure he didn't pay attention to anyone else but her. She whispered in his ear, tugged at him like a spoiled child, and hardly said a word to me.

  They left early of course.

  This was an omen for things to come. I guess I could have understood what Mike saw in her if she was very attractive – but Joanne isn't. She looks ten years older than her age (which I think is 32), her skin is as lifeless as a lifelong smokers’ and her voice is coarser than a witch's croak. She always wears short skirts and tight tops, but the only curve on her body is her crooked ego.

  As if this isn't enough in the minus column, I strongly suspect she's cheating. Not at Scrabble, but on my best friend. I'm 99 percent sure about this after hearing from Mike about flirtatious text message exchanges with other guys (she claims they're just friends) and lots of nights “out” ending with her coming home in the wee hours of the morning - two things that spell disaster for any relationship. And her appetite for the nightlife makes him worry to death about her, which he doesn't deserve, as I've told him countless times.

  And what does Mike do? He defends her of course! He's so brainwashed by her controlling claws he doesn't see what kind of she-monster she really is. He's miserable and deep down I think he knows it. But why would he take my relationship advice? To him, I'm “Jack the dipper”, a nickname which might've been flattering if I was still in college, but I'm not. I'm 35.

  “How about you, Jack?” says Gwen and wakes me up from my thinking about Mike and his love troubles. I have no idea what she’s talking about, as I haven't really been listening.

  “About me?” I echo.

  “Yes, are you investing in anything?”

  Okay, the stock market again. The stock market and her fantastic father - two of Gwen's favorite things to talk about and coincidentally two of the most mind-numbing topics of all time. I don't really give a fuck about her father or the stock market. It's very un-American of me, but money bores me - probably because I have lots of it.

  “Not really, I put them in the bank and fuhgeddabout them.”

  “Well, I thought since Mike's really into these things you’d be too. Anyway, my father thinks the market will…”

  I fade out again. I look at her lips moving. They’re nice and full and would look so much better if they could remain closed. I drift to work. How's the soup campaign going? How do you make soup sexy? Soup is soup. Maybe that's a slogan? Did I reply to Nicholas e-mail? I could sneak out my trusted Blackberry, but I’m not drunk enough yet to be that rude. I need to remember that this is Mike's colleague and try my best to control myself. But of course I wouldn’t mind sleeping with her and there’s a good chance of that if I just play my cards remotely right. There usually is.

  My mind is an over-active hub. It’s always on and the only way I can shut it off is by drinking a generous amount of alcohol. You could say I drink to numb the pain, the pain from not being in the place I want to be - at work and in life in general. It used to be pleasant to think about the agency, especially a few years back, when things were looking brighter than a sunburned blonde's bleached smile and I was on the cover of business magazines as one of the shining stars in the advertising world. Now I'm more like the captain on a sinking ship, running back and forth among the rats on deck, while trying to dodge enemy cannonballs. Okay, it's maybe not that bad yet, but if we lose another big account I'm going to have a friggin' heart attack.

  I ought to book a meeting with my business partner and agency co-owner Nicholas Green, but he’s always busy with his other business commitments, start-ups and partnerships. But I need that meeting so I better call him. When would be a good time? Whoa, my brain is in my Outlook, need to dig it out, need to focus on what Gwen's saying. Naaw, that’s no good, I look at her breasts instead. They
’re nice and full and I wonder if they’re her own. Yeah, they must be, they wouldn’t be sitting up like that without a push-up bra, which I’m thankful for because it gives me an ample view of cleavage. I love cleavage. But there's bad cleavage and good cleavage. Too much of a gap and it's bad cleavage. How do you keep eye contact when a woman has cleavage like that? My eyes wander: eyes, breasts, eyes, breasts. Can she tell? Does she mind? She has a cute smile, but her face is maybe a little wide and round, which reminds me of some animal. Not really a chipmunk, but more like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, if that counts for an animal. Donatello, Rafael? Who were those other ninja turtles? Splinter? No, that was the rat.

  As a saving grace from my whirring brain, here comes the food, but sadly in small, artistically challenged portions. I agree food should look good, but it doesn't mean you have to create art with it. I get so tired of these fancy, overpriced places sometimes, but you can't impress a girl with a Big Mac and a milkshake, believe me I’ve tried. Tonight I just wanted a plate of pasta, two bottles of red wine and a decent chance of getting laid, not this hollow conversational torture and cuisine le microscopice. But Gwen is apparently in love with everything French - the food, the people, the language and the wine, and that's why she's enjoying this place, where the waiters have thick accents, hairy arms and their large bony noses high in the air like they just suffered a severe case of cocaine nosebleed. It feels like we’re in Paris and I don't like Paris. I’ve been there twice and never got across the cultural divide and the rudeness. Gwen even placed the order in French - something which got the waiter all sparkly-eyed and likely even more in love with himself and his country.

  I order another bottle of red to dampen my growing irritation.

  “Amazing right?” Gwen says, piercing me with her green eyes. “Don't you just love the way they serve the food here? Each plate is a treat for the senses.”

  She takes a bite of her white fish, chews it slowly, utters a lengthy “mmm” and looks at me big-eyed, like she's waiting for me to agree.

  “That was just what I was thinking, Gwen.” I lie, “Excellent choice.” And I raise my glass towards her and as we toast, I lock my eyes with hers. I give her the Jack-wants-you-look, which has lured women into my arms since 1984 or something like that. I should have a sign or some kind of stamp made, signaling I’m tested and quality assured. (But sadly my love also comes with an expiration date.)

  We clink our glasses and the way she looks at me I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear when it comes to post-dinner sexercise. I just need to stay on the right side of shitfaced.

  I take a bite of food and I'm immediately disappointed by my rib-eye - ordered medium-rare, but definitely more towards medium. But I wolf it down anyway, as I'm now so hungry Ronald McDonald's left rubber foot would’ve been a treat.

  I eat rapidly in an effort to focus on anything else than Gwen's squeaky voice and I wash everything down with my fifth or possibly sixth (who's counting anyway?) glass of red. I smile at Gwen. I smile at her because she’s not talking right now and it makes me happy. Although while she’s eating, I've noticed she has a very annoying habit of cleaning her teeth with her tongue. It’s quite un-lady-like and doesn't suit her otherwise faultless style.

  Gwen is also a slow eater and I think she spends more time investigating her food (besides talking of course) than actually putting it in her mouth. It's another annoying thing I have to bear with, if only for the chance of nighttime release. I have a lot of stress built up and sex is my favorite way of getting it out of me.

  Tonight I’m even more tense than usual and with every glass of wine I'm getting more and more annoyed with Gwen, her constant talking and her uptight ways. I know I really shouldn't be drinking this much, but once the train has left the station, I find it hard to put the brakes on. Besides, I see no other way to escape the deadly grasp of Gwen's boredomia conversationalis.

  I take another healthy sip of wine, finish the glass, re-fill and feel waves of exhaustion crash on my internal shore. I'm not in the mood for dinner anymore, not in the mood for wasting my time nodding to Gwen and her stories about her idiot friends and their pointless careers. I need to do something dramatic.

  Gwen’s describing her soufflé like it has just given her an orgasm when the thought occurs to me that Gwen is a 60-year-old woman stuck in a 29-year-old body. I laugh out loud. I'm dating “grannies” now - Mike ought to be proud.

  “What's so funny?” Gwen asks, giving me a puzzled look.

  I compose myself, down my warm glass of Hennessy XO and look her straight in the eyes.

  “You know, Gwen, I've got to be honest with you. I'm bored out of my pants. I can't stay in this shithole any longer. So we have two options: I pay the bill and we go to my place and fuck like bunnies or I pay the bill and go home to watch a movie. Either way, I leave now.”

  Gwen's eyes expand and her mouth drops.

  “What?” she says. “Are you serious?”

  “Yup,” I say, and look around for the nearest waiter.